Kindness in Chaos The Boxer Rebellion Reimagined with Benevolence and Ballet

Ah, another delightful jaunt through the annals of history, where vast empires teeter like tightrope walkers on the thread of fate! Here I find myself amidst the fervor of the Boxer Rebellion, yet in this peculiar timeline, the differences are tickling my sense of irony like a feather at a bear-baiting.

In this iteration of Earth, Confucius decided during his enlightening post-mortem sojourn through the ether that equality isn’t so bad after all. Consequently, Confucianism underwent an electrifying reform some centuries back, advocating for a strict hierarchy not of rank (heaven forbid!) but of kindness. Here, power lies in a set hierarchy of benevolence, much to the chagrin of those with an affinity for draconian rule.

Therefore, the Qing Dynasty, bless their authoritarian hearts, are trying to exert dominance through kindness contests—a noble competition I dare say, where upper echelons vie to out-benevolence their opponents. The Emperor himself cut quite the figure when he declared free soy porridge Fridays for all citizens, inciting endless queues that rival those at our own DMV (alas, some things remain constant across universes).

The Boxers, these righteous protectors against foreign devils, have taken their moniker quite literally in this version. Instead of martial artists, they engage their enemies in highly competitive shadowboxing tournaments, with elegant moves choreographed more carefully than a ballet recital. I observed one this morning; many of the would-be brutes pranced in an artistic flurry, proclaiming peace kicks and showing just how little blood need be shed to assert dominance. Indeed, fistfights have become interpretive dance performances where the losers must write essays of appreciation for their victors’ poetic gyrations.

I had an amusing encounter with one Boxer participant, a young man named Lin, who graciously explained the intricacies of their “kindness kung fu.” With all the seriousness of a monk imparting eternal wisdom, he described a recent bout where he had bested an opponent in a dance-off inspired by the swan. The poor chap had to write a heartfelt sonnet to Lin's "preternatural agility and feathered grace." I could see Lin barely containing his grin, though he’d perfected the art of modest humility.

Then there is the British attempt to capitalize on China’s internal affairs—generally an affair mirroring the bumbling attempts of someone trying to "fix" a clock with a hammer. Invariably, they've brought a traveling Methodist interfaith troupe, believing deeply that Shakespeare and Wesley are the right antidotes for any rebellious colony. Quite effective, judging by the uproarious laughter from the Boxers, who particularly enjoyed “Othello,” which they misinterpreted, much to the consternation of the solemn British.

Yet, despite the humor, most curiously, cultural shifts are evident everywhere. Diplomatic meetings now prioritize who can deliver the most eloquent recitation of Confucian kindness slogans without bursting into peals of laughter—a test far more demanding than it sounds. Observing one of these sessions hosted by a local mandarin, I was struck by the elaborate contortions of their faces as they strained to outdo one another in exaggerated warmth and generosity—all while suppressing giggles that threatened to escape from pursed lips.

In all, this version of the Boxer Rebellion is as much about shaking fists artistically and winning hearts through acts of extraordinary, questionably sincere kindness—a show worthy of applause were it not so inadvertently tragic-comic in its execution. It's a masterclass in irony; the earnestness of the individuals involved only enhances the absurdity.

Here, kindness reigns supreme, but the road to such utopia is fraught with folly more so than wisdom—the sincerest irony in an otherwise predictable universe. As I weave through this alternate reality, I can't help but marvel at the resilience of human nature, adapting with perfectly quaint absurdity to any doctrine it encounters.